El Stephanimal

El Stephanimal tries Sexting ;)

I gave a guy my number at a party recently. Not just any guy- an incredibly attractive Spanish exchange student. He could dance, and he could say just about anything he wanted to me, and I would melt. 

He didn’t text me for a few days, and, naturally I was just a bit disappointed.

Then, something amazing happened. An unknown number popped onto my screen, and a picture of this handsome guy next to an awkward me appeared with his name as the caption.

I was stunned.

Another text came. It read: ‘Mandame una foto sexy ;)’ which translates to ‘send me a sexy photo.’

So, I did. And I am proud of it. I feel liberated, confident, and sexier than ever. This is what I sent him:

 

Needless to say, I didn’t hear back from him after that. 

Happy sexting!

-El Stephanimal

El Stephanimal writes a letter to her Future Husband

Dear future husband,

A pervasive activity among girls my age who willingly stigmatize themselves as ‘hopelessly romantic’ has been brought to my attention: letter-writing to their future husband. Thus, I write this letter to bring it to your attention as well. Future husband, I’m not sure what contents these letters necessitate, so I apologize if this isn’t the doting, flattering letter you expected. Since we do not know each other in this current realm, I assume that signifies we shall meet in the future realm as is fatefully and naturally intended. However, since I am writing you this letter as the present-day me (or the past me, by the time you get this letter) I am attempting to forever skew the work of God by revealing my past to you: a subject of which you would otherwise be unfamiliar. Wouldn’t it be awful to marry me five, ten years from now without knowing who I was when I was twenty? Can you even fathom all of the anxious breakdowns, unhealthy obsessions, and insecurities you never knew? Probably not, because you didn’t know I was psychotic (which is, coincidently, another reason for writing this letter). Future husband, I want you to know that I am thinking about you… constantly… that I have already named our five beautiful children… that I have already designed the lovely suburban house we will call home… that I have already made my vows to you, and that I renew them every day in hopes that you are doing the same for me in this very moment. I assume you are some fairytale generic gift, because that is how I am treating the idea of you right now. With the help of my fairy godmother, christianmingle.com, I can assure that I will have a husband: one that is charming, faithful, and real… and by real, I mean ‘alive,’ not to be confused with ‘down-to-earth.’ So, future husband, I hope you are finding yourself well… and that you are not finding yourself in things like your career, your friends, your personal goals, or things that do not revolve around me, your future wife. Keep this in mind when you travel, or have any sort of unique experience that I will not get to share with you. In the meantime, I will be perfecting my baking skills and knitting sweaters for all of us to wear in every family photo. Future husband, keep me in your thoughts as I keep you in every single one of mine.

Sincerely,

Your Future Wife, El Stephanimal

The Christian Woman

I could tell she was a Christian woman. Her hair was always shiny and blonde with just a tiny bit of brown peeking out at the roots. Her hair was always sleek and straight, I was always curious if God had blessed her with such naturally beautiful hair.

I could tell she was a Christian woman. Just like Ke$ha, she got Jesus on her neck-a-lus…us. Well, the cross of Jesus anyway. Instead of his body, there were big shiny rhinestones. I figured her necklace was a metaphor of Jesus being a light in the darkness or something like that.

I could tell she was a Christian woman, a Proverbs 31 woman. Just like the passage says, “When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far beyond pearls,” which is why I guess her husband bought her so many. I always saw beauty in a Christian marriage.

I could tell she was a Christian woman. She was pure and without blemish from her hair to her toes. Her fingers even matched her toes: they were pristine, always manicured in the French style of things. I could never tell if they were real, but they sure were really nice.

I could tell she was a Christian woman. Although she never spoke of Mother Theresa of Calcutta, she did admire Victoria Osteen. I wonder if she liked to fly first class, too.

I could tell she was a Christian woman. I could tell she was an American, too. Whenever she looked in the mirror, she didn’t see God. Whenever her husband complained, she felt at fault. Whenever her children demanded more, she wondered if they loved her. And most telling of all, whenever she was alone, she was unhappy. 

HAVE YOU SEEN EL STEPHANIMAL?

According to followers, El Stephanimal went missing from the blogosphere in January 2012 without any notice or warning. However, El Stephanimal has reportedly been spotted in quite unusual habitats: once in sub-freezing temperatures in Gila National Forest, New Mexico and twice in Louisiana clad in an unusual costume resembling Christine Daae from Phantom of the Opera. We have talked with witnesses who claim to have been with El Stephanimal during these sightings.

Andrew Willis, mountain goat and long-time friend of El Stephanimal reminisced of the spontaneous and adventurous spirit of El Stephanimal that prompted the duo to embark on this journey: a journey to find snow. The pair set off in Willis’s Honda Civic early in the morning on January 11 from Austin, Texas. The road was long and the journey was tiresome and often frustrating. However, they mustered up enough energy to make it across state borders and into New Mexico by nightfall. Evidently exhausted from driving and foreign to the state, Willis’s vehicle was flagged down by a policeman who later called for backup. The policeman accused Willis of swerving and speeding and suspected contraband in the car. Upon the backup’s arrival, Willis’s Civic was searched. To the officers’ dismay, only food, clothes, and camping gear were inside the car. Willis kept his composure through the entire ordeal and explained to the officers that they were on a journey to find snow and camp. Intentions were innocent and honest, despite how the beat-up Civic and nappy-headed ‘hippies’ otherwise suggested. After shrugging off their initial disappointment at the lack of a drug bust, the officers seemed elated to direct the snow-seekers to Pinos Altos: a place they would surely find snow.

El Stephanimal and Willis graciously heeded the officers’ directions and were incredibly thankful that they did not receive any citation. The couple drove up a steep and winding mountain road where they finally saw snow! Their quest was complete, but their journey was nowhere near the end. They still had to survive sub-freezing temperatures.

That night, El Stephanimal and Willis set up camp; their only shelter: a mesh tent and rainfly, their only warmth: each other (aww). The south Texas natives severely underestimated the harsh cold of New Mexico and questioned whether they could endure this environment.

The dense, frozen air choked each person with every inhalation. El Stephanimal and Willis could only sleep for one hour that night. Completely disillusioned upon awaking, Willis somehow gathered enough consciousness to scavenge for firewood to start a fire that would warm their bodies. El Stephanimal was lying in the tent on the snow, teeth chattering and body quivering unceasingly. Both Willis and El Stephanimal suffered from mild hypothermia, and if they had not found an alternative heat source then, their bodies and minds would have shut down. The following picture was taken after Willis and El Stephanimal had successfully cooked their first meal.

Thanks to Willis’s ability to create fire, the duo was able to regain some body heat and eat warm food. They spent the day exploring and admiring the beauty of the world around them. (Pictures of Gila National Forest/ Pinos Altos can be found on Stephanie Suarez’s Facebook.) The couple was only able to endure two nights in the snow-covered mountains, but had the experience of a lifetime.

The next sightings of El Stephanimal were in the most peculiar places: New Orleans and Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Contrary to speculations, El Stephanimal was not found in the marshy swamp lands of Cajun Country. Rather, the creature was found clad in carnival attire: a hot pink satin dress adorned with gobs of gold lace and sequins. El Stephanimal was nearly unrecognizable: her face masked in makeup and hair made into soft curly locks. Below is a picture taken from the last night El Stephanimal was seen in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

After talking with one witness who was with El Stephanimal that night in Baton Rouge, the story of El Stephanimal’s time in Louisiana began to take shape. Chester Welch, an uncle of El Stephanimal by maternal lineage, explained that he sponsored his niece to be a ‘maid’ in the ‘Krewe of Tucumcari Mardi Gras Tableau.’ In other words, a ‘Krewe’ in Louisiana is a social organization that hosts festivities that aid the community. A ‘maid’ in the ‘Mardi Gras Tableau’ is comparable to a debutant at a ball. This was a great honor for El Stephanimal and the creature was very grateful to experience something unusual to daily life.

El Stephanimal was accompanied by father Jesus Suarez- a newly inducted ‘Duke’ in the Krewe. As is standard for many debutant balls, this act is symbolic of a father presenting his daughter to the public and announcing that she is of age to be courted for marriage. However, marriage is certainly not on the upcoming agenda for Suarez or El Stephanimal. Both have agreed that El Stephanimal must graduate from university before even considering marriage.

The night of the Krewe of Tucumcari Mardi Gras Tableau was filled with dancing, frivolity, and merriment. El Stephanimal had many honored guests who wish to remain anonymous, but will freely concur that the tableau was incredibly entertaining.

Reports say that El Stephanimal kept contact with many of her honored guests, and has even seen them while in Houston and Austin. Unfortunately, no trace of El Stephanimal has been found on the blogosphere.

…..until now.

Happy findings!

-El Stephanimal

El Stephanimal observes gym-goers.

The chill of winter is quickly passing- in Texas, anyway. Many animals come out of hibernation and resume their daily duties… but there is only one animal that has served as the object of my observation for the past two springs: the college-aged female.

According to my observations, the college-aged female employs certain behaviors that are quite peculiar to the spring time. The college-aged female, or CAF, will frequent the gym much more than in the past semester. A probable explanation of this behavior lies in the fact that post-holiday weight gain is a major concern of CAFs and the spring break holiday occurs just a few short months after the semester commences. At the gym, the animals’ choice place of exercise, you may encounter/observe all/some of the following CAF behaviors:

1. CAFs clad in matching exercise outfits
2. CAFs masked in makeup
3. CAFs wearing Skecher’s Shape Ups
4. CAFs in yoga pants, but not doing yoga
5. CAFs communicating via cellular device
6. CAFs walking in designated ‘runners’ lanes
7. CAFs failing to achieve a New Year’s Resolution
8. CAFs speaking loudly (bragging) about soreness
9. CAFs speaking loudly (bragging) about a new diet
10. CAFs speaking loudly (bragging) about previous exercises
11. CAFs wearing a push-up bra underneath a sports-bra
12. CAFs in pairs, formally referred to as ‘workout buddies’
13. CAFs using cardio machines keeping their heart rate at ‘resting’
14. CAFs quitting exercise as soon as perspiration forms
15. CAFs ‘grandma’ walking
16. CAFs appearing anorexic
17. CAFs trying to impress college-aged males
18. CAFs seeming abnormally tan for late January
19. CAFs fearing free-standing weights (dumbells, bar, etc.)
20. CAFs wearing jewelry

From my observational study, I have concluded that absolutely none of these behaviors are conducive to becoming a healthier, stronger, or fitter human being- as is the assumed goal of exercise.

Being a CAF myself, I speculate that I am of a different breed: I perspire heavily, dress in mismatched and unattractive clothing, exercise alone, without any makeup or jewelry on my person. Perhaps these may be some of the better behaviors to adopt when exercising. I have found that these behaviors essentially eliminate any distractions or inhibitors that the observed behaviors aforementioned cause.

Thank you for taking the time to review my observation of college-aged females attending the gymnasium. I hope you found this informational and insightful as I invite you to reflect on your personal exercise routine. To begin, ask yourself if you employ any of the 20 listed CAF behaviors. If you find you do in fact employ such behaviors, alter your behavior immediately if you wish to cease being a dumb girl.

Happy gym-ing!
-El Stephanimal

El Stephanimal changes major for the third time

a lot of times, I am stressed out about figuring out ‘what I want to be when I grow up.’ then I get stressed out thinking ‘what if I never grow up?’ and then I laugh, because that’s not so bad. being young is great. being young at heart, even better. what does that mean? that means I eat a lot of food, then I play a lot to spend the energy. being young at heart means I laugh at funny things, and make fun of people who take themselves seriously. being young at heart means I shouldn’t worry about growing up or growing older: I hope when I’m 30, I’m still eating and playing. when I’m 50, I hope I can still find things to laugh at. When I’m 70, I hope I’ll have more reasons than ever to make fun of people taking their lives so stinkin’ seriously. But for now, I’m almost 20… I can’t choose a major because I can’t squish my interests (many) and abilities (albeit, few) into a box and expect them to coexist harmoniously. however, if you would like to help me out in this area (i’m sure countless others need this, too) please answer the question below:

What should i major in?
1. Bull$hitting (excuse my French, idk how else to say it)
2. Eating
3. Playing
4. Sleeping
5. Baking (as in sweets, just to clarify)
6. Wandering
7. Uselessness (as in almost all the legitimate majors I am interested in)
8. Other: ____________________________

El Stephanimal on Dental Hygiene

You smile, people cringe. You breathe, flowers wilt. You open your mouth to eat, your food runs away.

Do these things happen to you?

If you answered yes, and are clueless as to why these peculiar events occur, you may want to consider that you have horrific dental hygiene. Provided below is a short questionnaire regarding your dental health.

1. What colors do you see in your mouth? Colors that indicate a normal/healthy mouth are white and pink. Are your teeth the same color as corn? Does green fuzz grow between your teeth? Are your gums bright red? Do brown or black lines exist on the enamel of your teeth? If you observed any of these in your mouth, please note that they are indicators of incredibly poor dental hygiene. Congratulations, your smile makes babies cry and your breath kills flowers- your teeth are officially disgusting.

2. Do you own a toothbrush? Use it at least once a day for 2 minutes preferably with toothpaste. If not, please sprint to the nearest store and purchase one for a dollar. If you do not have a dollar to spare that can prevent all of your teeth from rotting, you may have bigger problems. My condolences.

3. Do you brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack? Again, you may have bigger problems: you may suffer from the chronic disorder of being Ke$ha. Seek rehab immediately. Again, my condolences.

If you think you are in the clear up to this point in the questionnaire, keep reading. These next few questions assume you practice the most basic dental care.

4. When the dentist asks if you floss, do you explain that you use mouthwash daily- essentially the same as flossing? If so, you are an @$$hole to argue with your dentist. He/she dedicated his/her life to improving dental health and was intelligent and diligent enough to enter and complete dental school. Listen to them. If you don’t floss daily, start immediately. You will be impressed by the amount of crap between your teeth after brushing. And, flossing nightly eliminates morning breath. Your sleeping partner will thank you, unless it is a dog. Your dog does not care.

5. Do your teeth glow in the dark? You are a freak.

6. Do you use whitening strips more often than floss? You waste money.

7. If you had braces, do you ‘no longer need’ your retainer? Those four years of torture were worth nothing.

8. If you have braces, do you drink soda? Don’t be surprised when your post-braces smile is nastier than your pre-braces smile.

9. Do you enjoy chewing foil, ice, hard candy, or any other hard substance? You enjoy self-flagellation. You have bigger problems. Once again, my condolences.

I hope this short 9-question survey helped you determine whether or not your dental hygiene is horrific or maybe just needs a little help. Remember, pink and white is healthy; yellow, green, and brown is not. 

Thank you for reading.

Happy flossing!
-El Stephanimal

El Stephanimal goes to the MALL

Today, I went to the mall with my mommy. She took me to Dillard’s. There were a lot of mean ladies in Dillard’s and I wanted to leave. So I cried and I stomped my feet but my mommy made me stay. I was not happy.

……How old am I? Oh, that’s right- I’m nearly twenty.

I’m nearly twenty, but today I showed the shopping public that I am a terrible toddler in a twenty-year old’s body capable of throwing a terrific temper tantrum. So, what exactly caused this behavior? I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t tired, I wasn’t cranky, and my diaper was dry (kidding, I don’t wear diapers), but still something caused a major disturbance in my disposition. What happened?!

First off, let me go ahead and defend my general disdain for shopping malls.
1. Kiosk employees become annoying stalkers. “Ma’am! You are so pretty! Would you like to try our new…” How does my face-down, fast-pace, and aversion of eye-contact lead you to believe that I want to try your crap? I realize someone needs to buy your stuff so you can stay in business, but don’t you know that you will always operate in the red? Maybe if you made a good product, you wouldn’t have to hassle people so much to buy whatever crap you are selling.
2. Operating in the red- all retail does it! I don’t understand. Whatever you are selling is obviously not incredibly essential to living, otherwise people would buy it. The shopping mall is just one, giant future bankruptcy party (at least that’s how I see it). Sure clothes, soap dishes, earrings, and build-a-bears are nice things to have, but they are not crucial to survival. Stop pretending they are.
3. Non-stop targeting of women to buy products. I could rant endlessly about this particular topic, but I would estimate that nearly 90% of the merchandise sold in shopping malls targets women in some way or another. Example: buy these overpriced baby onesies and your baby will love you; wear this makeup and men will find you attractive; smell like Jessica Simpson and you will entice everyone; buy this pillow and you’ll be the best Susie Homemaker; wear these yoga pants and everyone will think you’re exotic and athletic. You get the idea. This depresses me because someone out there is telling women that we are not good enough, that much of our value rests solely on our appearance instead of our wit, intelligence, athleticism, and other talents. And that someone makes a buck. But this also depresses me because there are plenty of women who unfortunately cannot value themselves in qualities other than appearance- and in that, I have much sorrow.

This now leads me to explain to you why I acted like a child inside of a Dillard’s department store. You see, I wanted to buy new makeup: foundation, powder, and concealer. I never wear makeup unless it is for a special occasion: I don’t mean dates, family gatherings, or church. I’m talking ‘monumental’ occasions where cameras flash nonstop, like at prom or weddings. So, since I have a very special occasion, I needed to buy new makeup since my makeup had expired four years ago.

Even though I was already a bit flustered with being inside the mall, I tried to muster up whatever calm, cool, and collected vibes I had and extend them to the cosmetologist behind the Clinique counter. I inquired about getting ‘a complete look’ and the lady behind the counter said she did not have time for that. I thanked her and apologized for not having made an appointment, and turned to walk out of the store. I was so embarrassed, and I was convinced that the Clinique lady just did not want to deal with a girl like me: makeup-less, clad in mismatched ratty clothes and old moccasins. I would be a waste of her time.

My mother tried to calm me down away from the cosmetic counter, and gave me a sort of pep talk. She is very good about these things. So, I marched triumphantly (or slunk sadly) back to the Clinique counter and explained to the cosmetologist my predicament: I hate makeup, I never wear it, and I have to wear it for a special occasion. I felt my face turn red, and my eyes well up with tears. Obviously, the lady pitied me and agreed to help me out. It started with just matching my skin to some foundation and powder, and gradually turned into an entire face makeover.

Honestly, I felt like Mulan- you know, when the matchmakers turn her from normal looking badass samurai girl into a freakish China doll? Yeah, that’s what happened.

So, the ‘makeover’ ended. My mom was so nice to buy me the foundation, powder, and concealer (that I will use at most 4 times in 2012), but I had raccoon eyes and clown lips— apparently some people think it’s pretty. I hid my face and darted out of Dillard’s with a downward gaze. I pray no one saw me. Well, in hindsight- I shouldn’t have worried- I was practically unrecognizable.

Getting ready for bed, I washed off all the makeup my face had worn that day. I smiled at myself in the mirror, and reminded myself of the happiness in life. That’s a great way to end the day.

Try it sometime. Smile at yourself. It can be sweet, goofy, natural- any way you want. I promise you’ll go to sleep feeling more positively about yourself and maybe even wake up that way.

Goodnight, Tumblr!

-El Stephanimal

Happy New Year!

So this is the new year.
And I don’t feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions
-The New Year, DCFC

Welcome to 2012, everyone! I hope you have enjoyed your life’s journey thus far because it ends this year. Yes- the earth is going to burst into flames and burn us all, or all the glaciers will melt and drown us all, or the earth will swallow us and itself, or explode and hurl pieces of our bodies into oblivion, or something like that. Just kidding, it’s the apocalypse from the Book of Revelation. Bring it on, Babylon!

Despite my skepticism, these speculations that are swirling around have undoubtedly shaken people up- for better or for worse, that is a personal matter. I guess this is where the typical “glass half empty/glass half full” question comes in. So, fearing that the earth and all of its inhabitants will cease to exist in a matter of months, what is our course of action? Do we make it a point or continue to celebrate life; or do we plant our heads in the sand anticipating the world’s end?

As I begin my quarter-life crisis, I ask myself these questions daily in an attempt to remind myself of my youth and the many years ahead. Whether in vain or in triumph, these attempts always end with some kind of renewal. This reminds me of an awesome verse from Romans 12:2 that urges, “Do not conform yourself to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” BAM!
(Note: You do not have to be a Bible-loving Christian to acknowledge and appreciate the wisdom in this verse.)

Quoth the wise DCFC (above), this is the new year- we may not feel any different and we may not make any resolutions to punish ourselves or fix ourselves. The new year is really just another new day. We can make resolutions every month, week, day, hour, or even moment: whenever we choose to renew our minds. It is unnecessary to wait 365 days to start fresh, set goals, and achieve something. I am trying to keep this in perspective, and I invite you to join me. Join the army of renewal. Fight in the battle against the motions. Get off the island of indifference and onto the land of life. Need anymore metaphors? Probably not…

Anyway, celebrating the New Year generally consists of being thankful for the past year and hoping for the best in the coming year. This celebration is also likely to consist of partying with friends, embarrassing dancing, over-consumption, and morning regret: not a great time to make any resolutions, in my opinion. Don’t try to change with the world- change when your mind is ready.

Happy New Year, everyone! Don’t worry… this year is just like the rest. Your mind, however, is not. Keep celebrating life, my friend!

Thanks for reading :)
-El Stephanimal

Hairapy!

Have you been longing for long, luscious locks? Do you often find yourself dissatisfied with the inadequate length of your hair? When you look in the mirror, do you think, “Geez, I really wish I knew how I could make my hair grow.” If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, I have the hair-grow solution for you!

I realized that my hair has gotten quite long recently, and I attribute this phenomenon to either a) being too broke for a haircut, b) adopting a new hair-care regimen, or c) a combination of a and b. (C is probably the correct answer.) So, friends on facebook, without further ado, I give you: Steph’s suggestions for successfully growing out your hair! (Shucks, I couldn’t keep up with the awesome alliteration…)

1. Wash your hair less. And when you do wash your hair, use a clarifying shampoo (a clear shampoo will do just fine). Make sure you actually get your scalp clean- did you know that that’s where hair grows from?! So, get a good scrub going along with a good lather. Other reasons to wash your hair less: it saves you money, you use fewer plastic bottles, you take shorter showers (thus wasting less water), and this saves you time- probably your most precious resource (unless you are like me and are currently wasting your most precious resource on facebook during finals).

2. Brush your hair more. Back in my short hair days, I would go days, even weeks, without brushing my hair. I thought this was good for my hair, since it is curly/wavy and I feared that brushing might break the curls. I was so naive. Now, I brush my hair at least once a day (usually at night) and have seen significant improvement in my hair’s length, shine, and strength. So basically, if you don’t brush your hair, start brushing.

3. Start taking Biotin. I learned this from a former teammate who was extremely long and healthy hair (she’s also a nurse, if that adds more ethos here). Biotin is a dietary supplement that can be found in your grocer’s/pharmacy’s vitamin section. It promotes carbohydrate, fat, and energy metabolism (or at least claims to do so on the bottle I have). Biotin gives you energy, and really improves your hair, skin, and nail health. True story: I took a hiatus from biotin and my eczema came back. Shucks! (Disclaimer: these may be unrelated incidents; I don’t mean to commit the fallacy of post hoc ergo propter hoc. Also, I apologize if that was TMI.) With that said, Biotin is definitely a game changer. I didn’t start seeing real hair-growth results until I started taking this supplement just once a day or even every other day.

4. Stop putting crap in your hair. Ok, I’m sure no one actually puts ‘crap’ in their hair, but you know what I am talking about. Don’t use mousse, gel, hairspray, or any other kind of beauty gimmick that Garnier and John Freida want you to buy. These styling products might make you think that you are making your hair look fuller, curlier, smoother, straighter, shinier, or whatever- but from my personal experience, my hair just got greasier, crunchier, or frizzier; or the wonderful placebo effect has made my hair beautiful. Truthfully, though, everyone has naturally beautiful hair- let it show! Nothing is more perfect than nature. Just use shampoo and conditioner and ask Billy Madison which one is better.

Why wait until you are dead for your hair to grow when you can have that Mufasa mane you always wanted in this very lifetime?! (Disclaimer: hair doesn’t actually grow after you are dead.) If you just stick to Steph’s 4 simple suggestions, your hair will grow like you have never imagined. Consider yourself the next Chia pet. So, go on and get growin’.

(Disclaimer: If you are experiencing hair loss (i.e. male pattern baldness) these suggestions may be of little to no help to you. Sorry, Dad! Just kidding. But seriously.)